Wilizy

If you were to ask Planet Wiffle-Waffle's government, they'd say that they were giving their citizens a good life. All the Wiffle-Waffles were living in a safe home, they all had jobs, and they all had access to a long-term health care plan when they retired. The government also gave them free guns and free bullets. It wasn't their fault that off-planet terrorists liked to attack and kill Wiffle-Waffles without warning.The government knew that the best defense against a man with a gun was a man with two guns. Most wiffle-waffles had four or more. Even children had free guns and free bullets for their protection. So, you can see that the government was doing the best they could. Winnie, who was impersonating a Waffle at the time, had a different opinion. No, she wasn't the type of waffle that you could eat.Winnie and Justice were searching for armed militia who could attack, rob planets and then disappear. Their search had led them to the Zippity Do Dah Day munitions factory whose motto was: You can never have too many guns. That factory's best customers? Would you believe the Wiffle-Waffles? Even the Cunningham family (Howard, Marion, Richie, and Joanie) had guns. Howard had a sniper's rifle and wasn't reluctant to use it. The two days when he killed eight off-planet terrorists were happy days for him.When an armed militia attacked Planet Panther, it was obvious what they were after. Gold and lots of it. The timing was suspect. Kyty was in a hospital off-planet while Luna and Fang were attending a Cosmos meeting. This meant that the planet had no leaders and no spaceships to defend itself. Afterwards, investigators would ask: How did the militia know that this was the perfect time to attack?

Pretend for the moment that you want to help the citizens of a planet who are heavily addicted to a poisonous substance that their government has forced on them. Would you pretend to be a benevolent god who replies to the prayers from two non-addicted citizens? As that god, would it be alright for you to plant the idea of a revolution in the minds of your believers? And, would it be appropriate for you to name those believers Fred and Ethel from the I Love Lucy reruns you used to watch? Would you be surprised if Lucy and Ricky were also mentioned? Did you know that benevolent gods are allowed to lie and steal if it's for a good cause? Would you have a smoking hot time helping the people of Pandora? Winnie did.If you can believe the benevolent god story, would you also believe that novice-lawyer Reese would be defending a baseball coach who has been accused of murder? If time travel revealed that the coach was completely innocent, would you believe that corrupt police would ensure that she'd be found guilty? But what if Reese had a coconut of truth? Would you believe that the judge would allow Reese to use it on the witnesses? Would you be surprised if that Coconut worked? If so, would you think that the people behind the false murder accusation have now been stopped? Are you sure?

The mermaids pursue Cosmos membership but are accused of being cannibals with powers that can destroy planets if they want to after eating the children. Spoiler Alert! Readers will face an unexpected plot twist. On Earth, Boris attends a baseball game intent on poisoning spectators, but is stopped by sprinkles. His future health depends on what Maddy unearths in her interrogation.

In previous books, you saw Wizard and Dreamer becoming friends. This book takes that friendship further. Dreamer's given name was Frances. Her classmates had nicknamed her 'Dreamer' because she believed that everybody's dreams came true. Dreamer's father, Tom-Tom, had had a very unhealthy relationship with his young daughter, one that demanded Wilizy justice. Delivering that justice was complicated. The Wilizy knew what he had done to her, but couldn't prove it. Also, Tom-Tom was currently in prison where they couldn't reach him. Plus, Dreamer had dreamed that her father would kill her. She didn't believe that the Wilizy could protect her because her dreams ALWAYS came true.The Wilizy's plan was to plant a corrupt lawyer into Tom-Tom's cell. That lawyer was going to break him out of jail. After that, justice could be delivered. To be fair, the Wilizy did try to do everything they could to keep Dreamer's dream from coming true.Elsewhere, Lucas was hanging around a young teacher named Candi who gave high school boys personal lessons on forest ecology during lunch hour. She was VERY friendly with her students. Candi asked Lucas to convince unruly students to pay for her lessons. Lucas was naive and didn't realize what he had become until it was too late. Serious jail time awaited him. Lucas' lawyer was unconventional and by the end of the trial, his clients were delighted. In the history of delighted beings, only the firefly that had backed into a rotating fan had been more de---lighted. You may have to think about that one.

In an effort to catch a mescal-meth drug king, Melissa created a fake criminal godfather named Don Giovanni. The drug king agreed to help Don Giovani expand his criminal empire to Arizona. That didn't work out to well for him. He ended up wearing pink panties that were far too small for him. The bra fit nicely though. Along the way, the Wilizy were able to reveal that the governor of Arizona had committed a traitorous act, one so vile that all of Arizona turned against him.Winnie offered to conduct scientific experiments that would cure a supposed DNA disease that afflicted every angelion woman. The benefits would change the quality of life for everybody on the planet. The government's response was baffling, to say the least. They tried to kill Winnie, Galahad and Shields by blowing up their spaceship while they were returning to Heaven. There was no rational reason for such a response. It would take a bright light that talked to reveal what Angelion's government had been hiding.In a third story line, Maddy was walking into a dinner with Stook and Sheila when an assassin attacked them. Maddy saved them with a stunning display of force. She had to be careful though not to get blood on her mom's fancy dress. As she explained later, she hated wearing dresses and kind of lost her mind. At least she had a dress that didn't melt, like the dress that Winnie had been wearing to welcome Galahad home.

Some parents shouldn't be allowed to name their children. Take for example Billings' business man, Jim Dandy and his wife known as Fine-and Dandy. They named their children Andy Dandy, Brandy Dandy, and Candy Dandy. As Maddy found out, the children had learned how to be bullies. Devil names can be problematic too. Take, for example, the Billings devil named Wytlss. Was he witless to begin with or did he become witless because of the name? You'll find out soon enough. He was the one who made Maddy disappear.When the Wilizy learned that the Dandy children had attacked Maddy three against one, they began researching the Dandy family and found lots of slimy, bullying actions. Melissa devised a plan to attack Dandy where he would be hurt the most and Cowboy did the hurting in his capacity as Captain of the Billings police force. Molly Moonblossom and Fanny Fandigity worked as his investigators.Winnie was severely constrained in how she could help because Wytlss' status as a devil could not be revealed to the family. Heaven and Hell do not exist, remember? There's a saying: You can only die once. Well, that wasn't Wytlss' experience. You may be wondering about the title of the book and the image on the cover: I am happy to tell you that Reese enjoyed Valentines' Day in a way he never would have expected. A new Wilizy hero had emerged. Go ahead. Guess who she was.

Hoist the Jolly Lucas is a story that reveals some unlikely alliances. For example, the Wilizy made a secret agreement with one of Zzyk's officials that saved many innocent aboriginals from being kidnapped and tortured; However, the Wilizy had to reveal the location of their home base. Really? They told him where they were living?Here's another strange alliance: A BC government official kidnapped Will and Izzy and offered to sell them to Zzyk or any other interested parties. Later he decided to keep Izzy for himself because he wanted to use her to 'replenish his family,' which sounds downright nasty. Izzy confessed to him that she had sinned by living with the Wilizy but claimed that she didn't have a choice. That alliance had been forced on her. Does Izzy's confession mean that Will is on his own and he has to save himself?The timing of the kidnapping couldn't have been worse. The Wilizy family was running an operation against a country that would be supplying Zzyk with advanced brain bands. The adults had to leave that operation to hunt for the kidnapper. That meant that Lucas would lead his scurvy band of pirates, aged 7 to10, in a battle against another 18th century sailing ship. Naturally, he hoisted the jolly Lucas before he attacked. That's what pirates do.

The last time we saw Winnie, a dead person named Paula was wiping Winnie's memory with a jab from her scorpion's tail. That should have been the end of having a nosy, teenage mortal girl wandering around Heaven where she didn't belong. Good luck with that. Winnie had caught teenageritis. If somebody told her that she couldn't do something, she did it anyway. In terms of her wiped memories, she had figured out a way to retrieve them, no matter how many times Lillian wiped them.It was true that Lillian was not an enthusiastic Winnie fan. This was not personal. The prime directive under which Heaven and Hell operated was that humans could not learn that these entities existed. If the wrong person learned that Winnie had been in Heaven, and remembered the experience, Heaven would be in a lot of trouble. For this reason, Lillian arranged a truce with her.In her persona as Molly Moonblossom, Winnie was allowed to search on Earth for Goodefellow's wife and family and she could use heavenly resources in her quest. In return, Winnie would help Arthur, who believed that Hell had snuck some under-feather devils into Heaven. Winnie proposed a simple strategy to reveal them. Drive the supposed devil suspects crazy. To do that, she and Arthur would have to be sneaky. It should have been easy-peasy except somebody in Heaven was sneakier.

Bite Me will introduce readers to Jak and the Beanstalk, a pair of women assassins who are searching for Scandinavia's Princess Freya. In addition to being trained killers, each has a secret pastime that suggests that they are sociopaths. Readers might wonder why they should be concerned about Scandinavian sociopaths. Patience is a virtue.Spurred on by Marie's desire to eat a meal with her former slave masters, the Wilizy are planning to put all Safe Haven's slave ranches out of business. This will not be easy. The Big Mommas and Daddies of those ranches will use the dog collars to kill all of their slaves immediately if they see any sign of an impending attack. Fortunately, the Wilizy have weapons of mass digestion, namely three panthers, two wolves and a dragon.Beanstalk discovers Princess Freya without any guards and riding a small horse in a BC river valley. It would be an easy shot for a trained sniper. Or, she could order a platoon of Scandinavian solders to attack the place where she is hiding. Jak had already killed her mother, the queen. Now it was the princess' turn.The Wilizy had no idea that two assassins and a platoon of soldiers were looking for the former princess of Scandinavia, now the queen. Why would they care? Most of them were far away attacking Safe Haven. They didn't know that Maddy, the girl they had adopted, and Queen Freya were the same person.

In this book, Winnie goes up against a young devil and an old devil. PornoGuy is the young devil and I'll leave it to you to determine how he got his name. When he's not enjoying his hobby, he is working for Old Geezer who wants Maddy's friend, Piper, dead. PornoGuy is an armed, contract killer who can open any locked door in the middle of the night.Meanwhile a young mermaid named Merly arrives in Heaven on a short diplomatic visit initiated by her father, Poseidon. He wants to give Heaven a gift and Merly is there to determine if that gift would be appreciated. Merly enters puberty in a remarkable way when she's staying with Winnie. If any of my female readers are thinking of joining the mermaid race, you might want to read the book first.Merly's puberty night is a defining moment for her because Poseidon was waiting for this so that he could marry her off to the highest bidder. The price will be high because mermaids were near extinction in the Cosmos. When Merly asks Winnie to protect her from Poseidon, she can't because, on his planet, he is allowed to dictate who she marries. Winnie uses PornoGuy and Old Geezer to convince Poseidon otherwise. Spoiler alert: Merly has a lethal E I E I O.

When the Wilizy convened a full family meeting, it was clear that something big was up. In this case, they were trying to make California a safer place for the state's white minority to live. That meant taking on the brown supremacist leader, Pancha Villa who was running for governor. They knew their plans were in trouble when they learned that Villa's rallies would unleash angry brown mobs intent on attacking the whites. The Wilizy neutralized that threat, but they never saw the next threat coming. That one started in Reno, Nevada.Heaven was facing a threat too from Angelion, their home planet that was determined to cut military ties with Heaven. That meant that Heaven would not have a space ship that could defend Earth. Angelion justified removing their support because Galahad's spaceship couldn't last even a minute in their war games. Angelion would give Heaven one last chance. Galahad knew how Angelion had fixed the war games so that they weren't fair. In the next war games, he'd have two Wilizy in his crew.You may have noticed that Winnie and Galahad were becoming increasingly friendly. The chances of that friendship going anywhere were hurt when Galahad resigned as Winnie's protector. A final blow came when the new Heaven/Hell treaty was enacted. Guinny was the one to break the news to Winnie. Henceforth, devils could not have sex with a mortal. That prohibition extended to angels and mortals.

The inner pentagram devil known as Asmodeus convinced Hell and Lucifus that he could capture the angel known as Guinevere and bring her to Hell for Satan's enjoyment. After all, she had broken the Heaven/Hell treaty by sneaking into Hell. Heaven could hardly complain if Hell broke the treaty too. Satan agreed to lend him some gold for expenses and arranged for him to borrow a space ship from Burger King, the CEO of Lucifus.Weeks later, Galahad, Shields and Winnie were visiting one of the Greek God planets on a trade mission when all three were captured and placed in a Lucifus spaceship. That ship blew up before it could transfer the prisoners, leaving only feathers behind. Satan had warned Asmodeus that angels could blow themselves up with devastating results, so he wasn't too surprised. However, a Cosmos investigator started asking accusatory questions. Not to worry. Burger King and Satan had already planned their response. Admit to nothing; blame everything on Asmodeus.Asmodeus knew what would happen to him if if he returned to Hell without the angels, Satan's gold, and Burger King's ship. So, he decided to visit Angelion and search for Zelda, his daughter who had caused all his problems. He learned that angels were easy to kill in the darkness. That prompted Angelion to call for help. Heaven provided some devil-sniffing dogs who also had lasers and powers of invisibility, but they were just there to steer Asmodeus into a one-on-one battle to the death. Claws versus talons.

Hodge Podge's leaders thought the planet was perfect because they got wealthier while their citizens worked to exhaustion and didn't complain. Until a teenager was caught in a radar trap and sent off planet to die. When she fought back, a busy body from Heaven poked her nose into their affairs. When the busy body also fought back, there was no other recourse. She had to learn her lesson.

Optimism from successful operations against Planets Hodge Podge and Toe Fungus disappear quickly after a mortal male drugs and kidnaps Maddy to Hell. From that assault, Heaven learns that Hell is executing an operation that had been planned for decades. That mortal male is a devil that carries no sulfurous odor. If that devil ever gets loose on Earth, Heaven won't be able to find him.

It took months before Melissa's plans were all in place to defeat Governor Pancha Villa. Along the way, the Wilizy had to conduct a full military operation in Utah to defeat the Californian army. A key moment in the battle happened in the Salt Lake Temple, an event that was memorialized on canvas. That was just the easy part. The Wilizy still had to convince brown supremacists that white Californians were equal to them. Prejudice is hard to change, but Melissa's plan got all Californians working together after they rolled Porky the Pig out of her mansion.Meanwhile, Maddy revealed that her Arizona baseball coach and his slimy partner were money stealing crooks. That brought Winnie's entire team to Tempe where they discovered that they weren't facing two ordinary crooks. Thankfully, they didn't carry a smell of sulphur which meant they were mortals. At least that was what they thought before their suspects escaped capture by taking a PUS train to Hell.Coach Maureen told Maddy that she had a bright future in baseball if she received good coaching. This was distressing news because no high-level coaches worked in Billings, or anywhere else the Wilizy family lived. Fortunately, Winnie revealed a solution at the end of the book. Speaking of revealing, Maddy proclaimed that she wasn't a chicken and revealed for all to see that she wasn't. And no, that's not why a chicken is on the cover.

You may ask who would want to paint Lord Percy, a very powerful devil. I should tell you that he's not being painted for Hell's art gallery featuring its most evil devils. This will be a different type of painting, an award if you like for trying to overthrow Satan by stealing all of Hell's gold. Lord Percy was winning until Winnie and Reese got involved.Along the way, a devil named Adolf Hitler runs afoul of a condom buying angel named Winnie. Fear not. This does not lead to an amorous meeting with Arthur, who will soon lose his ability to kiss. Winnie also has an embarrassing condition. She had eaten a cherry pie with upchucking powers.Reese is the hero in this book. He joins a secret operation run by a dead man who is hunting perverts. Reese serves as a slow-motion lie-detecting judge. When he believes that the Borg, of Star Trek fame, are taking control of human bodies, Winnie enlists Reese in her painting hobby. Not only does Reese help finish Lord Percy's portrait, but he also finds Hell's missing gold, which has far-reaching consequences for planet Earth.

Will and Izzy travel to New York to be safe from Zzyk. There, Will builds a sailing ship that can fly invisibly in the air. That allows them to explore other large cities safely as they return home. Along the way, intense sexual temptations become unbearable. They adopt several ways to control themselves, one of them is a sort of hockey game. The long trip also means that they must learn to get along with each other. That part of the trip doesn't go too well.When they reach British Columbia, Albertan spies capture Izzy and imprison her in an escape-proof building. Zzyk offers to release her unharmed if she convinces Will to drop by for a free brain band fitting. Izzy refuses. Zzyk pressures Izzy with vicious accusations. She has to find a way to cope with those and, at the same time, plan an escape with nothing other than some art supplies, energy bars, and clothes.Will looks for a way to threaten Zzyk with such overwhelming harm that he will pull his forces away from the prison. He is assuming that Izzy has a plan to escape. At the end of the story, Will has to face the Get-Even Bird for something he shouldn't have done when he discovered where she was imprisoned. That bird comes armed with a piece of women's underwear.The focus of this second Wilizy book is clearly on Izzy. Other books in the series will focus on other members of the very large family. As members of the superhero family grow up, they will face the same personal challenges as other teens. All books include some romance and a seemingly impossible challenge to bring justice to wicked villains.

Tickled Pink is all about bullies. Conrad Valkendorff is a very rich and powerful man in Denmark. His power is such that he could never be caught and prosecuted for what he does to young women who catch his eye. If they object, he ruins their careers and marriages. As happenstance would have it, he attacked a member of the Wilizy. Valkendorff's immunity started evaporating soon afterwards. When he allegedly kidnapped and hid fifty beautiful women in one fell swoop, Danish press referred to this as the flummoxing flight of the fabulous fifty. Try saying that three times quickly.An interior designer named Laerke Lund also attracted Valkendorff's attention. When she stood up to him, he bankrupted her. She had no money or job, but still she wouldn't give in to him. With the help of a few Danish friends, she discovered some of what Valkendorff was doing. It was too bad that she didn't know what the Wilizy were doing.The University of Toronto's women's basketball coach was another bully. A young Wilizy woman refused to accept his behaviour and paid for it with the loss of her career. She wanted justice and this time she had help from the Wilizy teenagers living in Toronto. Warning: this story line contains some tender romantic scenes if you ignore the one that ends iwith puking.

The Cosmos Minister of Justice knows that the warlock that controls Planet Pacifica has made it lawful to murder citizens who speak out against him. Even if they could charge him with a crime, Bug Splatter's magic powers make him too dangerous to physically approach. They can't capture him, interrogate him, testify against him, judge him, imprison him, or even execute him. Even Winnie is stymied.

Book #16 continues the love story between Lucas and the twins, which is on hold right now because he can't choose between the two of them. Their mom, Paula, moves her family to Colorado Springs where they appear to be on track to having a good life. That future disappears when two extraterrestrials kill Paula. I realize that an author is not supposed to give away the ending, but I'm not. Paula's future continues after she's dead. What she does and how she does it is up to you to discover.Paula's brother, Howard Swensen, has something to do with that future. Turns out that he is an important person in the Denver Cattlemen's Association, which uses its power and wealth to control the Colorado government. You should think of them as villains. Howard's house blows up in the middle of night. He probably was smoking in bed. He was certainly smoking afterwards.Wilizy efforts to determine who killed Howard are stymied. You may think that both Paula and Howard died at the hands of a DCA hitman. You'd be wrong. However, the Wilizy are successful in finding out how Paula died. That discovery causes Wilizy faces to turn a scary purple color. The word 'radioactive' doesn't mean that you are using your radio too much.

This book continues the Wilizy's efforts to bring justice to the Denver Cattleman's Association, the DCA. Cowboy and his disguises were instrumental in discovering the truth about them. Winnie in her almost a costume was key to catching individual DCA members in the act. What act that was is too spicy to be shared now.With the DCA members out of the picture, the Wilizy simply had to turn the population against the governor of Colorado and reveal him for what he and the DCA have done. Easy, peasy. In a Winnie-directed dramatic production, Lohla and Lylah pretended to be basketball groupies entranced by a descendant of a basketball icon. Marie pretended to be a gun-toting sharpshooter while Doc got to limp and lisp at the same time. If anybody were hungry, Bob, the visible dragon, was heating up a tasty lunch.In a second story line, Eleanor, the banker lady from Book #13, was delegated by the Swiss prime minister to defend the country from terrorists seeking Switzerland's gold and jewels. Her forces consisted of twelve tourist paddle boats on land-locked Lac Leman. Not to worry. Led by Jock, Hank, and Mac, the whole Wilizy family was ready to take on NORAD's entire fleet of armed copters and its silos of nuclear missiles.

A professional kidnapper captures a six-year-old blonde, blue-eyed girl named Maddy. She ends up in Safe Haven's slave ranch #24 where she is put to work in Big Momma's kitchen. Maddy may be safe there for a while, but she is still being hypnotized and she still has to wear a dog collar that zaps her.Meanwhile, Lucas is selling doughnuts in Toronto with Theo. He runs afoul of a protection racket run by Doctor Sandman who orders Winker, Blinker and Nod to kill him. Fortunately, Lucas is protected by a blonde, blue-eyed guardian angel, named Azure. She reveals her existence to him and reveals what he must do to survive two assassination attempts. With the university shutting down for Christmas holidays, Lucas wonders if Azure will be around to protect him from a third assassination attempt. Do angels work during the Christmas holidays?Meanwhile Theo has become sweet on a girl who has been imprisoned on an island surrounded by hungry alligators. This island is where Big Momma's ranch sends its slaves to retire in comfort. Comfort can be defined as starving to death or becoming an alligator lunch. Theo calls her 'Panther Girl' because she acts very much like a panther. Her real name is Nary Nary Quite Contrary. Marie, her mother, believes in a kind of religion. Marie claims that Theo is a god in her religion and he will rescue her and Nary and take them off the island. Yeah, right.As the climax of the book approaches, Maddy sees a copter that will be leaving the slave ranch and hides inside it. Guess where that copter is going. Back in Toronto, Lucas learns that guardian angels don't work during Christmas holidays.

In rescuing a young Zulu girl from certain death, Reese discovers a country where women do all the work and are banned from saying anything to any male. The men live in comfort and peace drinking beer and not having to listen to any woman, even their wives and daughters. Can life get any better than this? The entire Wilizy family plus the cadets and the Valkyries set out to bring justice to the country's leaders and help the Zulus escape from extreme poverty. Reese has an important role in this operation.In Hell, an ambitious devil named the Duke of Earl is raising an army of demons that could overwhelm Hell's security forces. Or, that same army could overwhelm Heaven's defenses. Nobody knows who he will attack first. Joe-Joe does know that Heaven's defenses aren't able to stop near invisible demons from invading Heaven armed with poisoned needles.If you're interested in the legend of King Arthur and the Round Table, you will find references to it throughout the book. You'll meet an Arthur, a Queen Guinevere, a Sir Galahad, a Sir Launchalot who liked to launch people into the air, a magic sword that couldn't be pulled out of the ground, a bigoted Sir Lance-Lott and his wicked sister Morgana, and Queen Morgana le Fey who has a sword fight with the Duke of Earl. Also appearing in guest roles are Larry, Moe and Curly as well as Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Donald Duck would have been there too, but he couldn't get out of his movie contract.

Hoist the Jolly Lucas is a story that reveals some unlikely alliances. For example, the Wilizy made a secret agreement with one of Zzyk's officials that saved many innocent aboriginals from being kidnapped and tortured; However, the Wilizy had to reveal the location of their home base. Really? They told him where they were living?Here's another strange alliance: A BC government official kidnapped Will and Izzy and offered to sell them to Zzyk or any other interested parties. Later he decided to keep Izzy for himself because he wanted to use her to 'replenish his family,' which sounds downright nasty. Izzy confessed to him that she had sinned by living with the Wilizy but claimed that she didn't have a choice. That alliance had been forced on her. Does Izzy's confession mean that Will is on his own and he has to save himself?The timing of the kidnapping couldn't have been worse. The Wilizy family was running an operation against a country that would be supplying Zzyk with advanced brain bands. The adults had to leave that operation to hunt for the kidnapper. That meant that Lucas would lead his scurvy band of pirates, aged 7 to10, in a battle against another 18th century sailing ship. Naturally, he hoisted the jolly Lucas before he attacked. That's what pirates do.

The focus of this book is on a public relations angel named Lillian who was hiding inside a gerbil body as part of a heavenly undercover operation. She was in this disguise so that she could watch a demon disguised as a human male. He called himself Goodefellow, which he thought was quite humorous because he was more of an evil-fellow. Goodefellow captured the gerbil which meant that he had also captured Lillian. He planned to angelnap her to Hell, something that was a major violation of the Heaven/Hell treaty.Lillian's afterlife depended on a messy, junk food eating, pun-spouting angel helping her to escape. For Arthur to succeed, he needed human help since Goodefellow has activated hellish security devices to ensure that nobody wearing white feathers could get near her. Guess who he turned to for help. This is where Winnie comes into the plot.In a separate operation, Paula was investigating the demons running Goodefellow's business. She decided to assist them in their devilish deeds by assuming a female body that she named Nympho Maniac. Paula thought that was quite humorous because ghosts can't have sex. That's one of the disadvantages of being dead. Paula and Winnie met just as Goodefellow was about to head to Hell with an unconscious angel. This was a big problem because Winnie wasn't supposed to be there. That's when the poisonous scorpion tail appeared.

Winnie's discovery of an old civilization was unintended. If Guinny hadn't banned her from snooping in the Cosmos, she never would have watched oldy-moldy day time TV shows. That in turn meant that she never would have decided to boldly go where no woman had gone before. That trek meant that Heaven's most powerful spaceship was nowhere to be seen when Heaven's enemies attacked without warning.

In this book, Winnie discovers that the Cosmos Minister of Justice is operating an illegal business back on his home planet of Spud. If she could find a way to make this public knowledge, Rancid Potato (the minister) would have to resign. But first, she has to discover the role that Roasted Potato, Mashed Potato, and Yukon Potato play in the scheme. Tilly TaterTot also has a significant role.Relations between Hell and Hades (the former Hellette) are going well until the SSS use drunken devils to destroy the hell cats' (the former devilettes) amusement park. Satan keeps escalating his attacks. The hell cats fight back but Satan has the ultimate weapon. In desperation, Lilith uses a nugget of sulphur.Luna Moon, the CEO of Planet Panther, needs to find revenue for her planet. She signs an agreement in which Lucifus will send mining equipment and small devils to mine their gold. Lucifus will obtain those miners through a side agreement with Hell. All those miners are female. Luna worries about the miners smuggling gold off the planet, but finds no evidence of that. She shouldn't be worrying, right? Devils keep their word, right? They would never do anything like smuggle gold. Right?

Reacting to a Cosmos edict that female devils had to be treated fairly, Hell's new Satan created a separate female-only Hell, which he named Hellette. Good bye problem of unfair treatment. He further ruled that Hellette would have its own Satanette. Aren't those just the cutest names?The first Satanette of Hellette was a devil named Lilith. She used to work as an undercover spy for the SSS (Satan's Secret Service) and she offered to continue in that position for the new Satan. That meant that he would have his personal spy reporting everything that Hellette tried to do. Later, Lilith faced Heaven's Princes Guinevere in a court case and came away the big winner. Satan could now solve Hell's plastic and hygiene problems. Lilith clobbered the Guinevere angel!Separately, Winnie agreed to conduct an investigation for Zale Zilio, the CEO of planet Boogie-Woogie. She believed that another planet was trying to undermine her leadership. Winnie discovered that Ear Wax, the CEO of a planet named Piggity-Wiggity, was indeed trying to ferment trouble for Zale but Winnie found evidence that should put Ear Wax into legal jeopardy. Fair warning: Given my previous use of cow puns in Book #21, my readers should be prepared to encounter some pig puns in a book that has a planet named Piggity Wiggity. You might say that I have piggybacked off the cow puns.

In the Cosmos environment, Winnie saves young girls on Planet WZ3B from SCUM, Justice prosecutes the president of Dimple Sprocket for trade crimes, and a teenager named Spiffy tries to rescue her mother from certain death. On Earth, Will and Emily take on the generalissimo of an army of child soldiers, Maddy gets help choosing between baseball and basketball, and Winnie marries Galahad.

The attack on the Cosmos' new Minister of Justice began when somebody took a picture of his three daughters. That led to their kidnapping and an extremely high ransom demand. Even though Winnie paid the ransom on time, the kidnappers demanded another payment that would cripple Resolute financially. His attempt to have the Cosmos pay the ransom went nowhere. It actually made things worse because Resolute was pressured to resign his position of Minister of Justice. He was told that this was the only way he'd recover his daughters. With the real intent of the kidnapping now revealed, Winnie told Resolute that she wouldn't be playing nicey-nicey any more.If you had kidnapped three very important hostages and had to find a place to hide them along with the first ransom payment, who would you call on for help? Obviously, you would put them on a moon controlled by witches who, along with their black cats, could use magic to cast a spell on any rescuers. Changing them into drooling idiots was only one of the possible spells. If that wasn't bad enough, humans had no defense against three witches, three black cats and their magic spells.Seeing how this was now a virtually impossible mission, Winnie went back to Earth and took up a new career as a snow shovel salesperson. OK, I'm lying about that. What I can tell you is she used three empty toy water pistols, some duct tape, and a panther/human task force to capture the witches and kidnappers.Of course, capturing the witches was only the beginning. Next they had to persuade the kidnappers to reveal who had ordered the attack on Resolute. That task fell to Kyty and her two bickering children who argued about everything, including who was going to eat which kidnapper for supper and whether it was alright to wash their supper's face with their tongue and check for tender flesh with their fangs. The result was fang-tastic.

The main focus of Book #22 is on the three remaining members of the Denver Cattlemen's Association, Paup, Krakul and Schnappe. Governor Stookenhap owed them for their legal attack on him and Sheila, so he would provide a legal response that would take away their ability to be dominant in the cattle industry. In effect, he would take away their power. The Wilizy would take away their money. Some might call it stealing, but it wasn't. The three ranchers willingly gave their money to the company known as Colorado Mining Development Inc. Melissa was the strategist with Mac as battle commander. The Valkyries provide the sex appeal. Jilly was particularly effective in her Operation Reveal. When the cattlemen's money was safely deposited elsewhere, Molly Moonblossom (Winnie) wrote a column that revealed to the people of Colorado how they had been conned. This drove Paup and Krakul out of the state. Schnappe was driven to take his anger out on Stook and Sheila.A second story line will introduce you to two people who existed on the fringes of polite society, which ignored them as much as possible. They met when Schnappe tried to murder the woman. The man nursed her back to life. Fearing that Schnappe would try again, they hid behind unusual nicknames. She was Fido the Dog. He was Boris, the Purple Gnome. They were just two people who had suffered pain and had managed to establish a mutual, non-sexual friendship. That lasted until Schnappe tried to kill Boris. You may have noticed that Schnappe appeared twice in their lives. A black cat appeared at the same time.

Since senior devils were no longer able to have stress-relieving holidays on Earth, Satan released all of Hell's female devils from their torture responsibilities. That sounded like a reward, but it wasn't. Satan gave the devilettes mortal-like female bodies that they would use to help devils ..... with their morale. Winnie and her all female crew were outraged. Lillian warned that Heaven couldn't be involved. Winnie suggested a different phrasing: Heaven shouldn't be caught getting involved.Satan also decided to start a new industry. Devils whose horns revealed that they couldn't torture mortals effectively, would be reassigned to another job. Henceforth, they would dig up gold and other precious minerals for delivery to Hell's home planet, Lucifus. Those minerals included uranium that Lucifus could use to build nuclear powered space ships. Devils with nuclear capabilities would not be good for the Cosmos. Winnie had an idea about stopping that.When the news about Hell's new industry was announced, two short-horned devils named Bert and Ernie fled into the wilds of Hell. There, they ran across other short-horned devils who were hiding in a small place called Crumpet Village. Leading them was Kermit, a very green crumpet whose crumpet followers included Gonzo, Rolf and Miss Bacon. When hornocrats from SinSin-atti decided that they could change Crumpet Village into an ideal tourist attraction, somebody convinced the crumpets to do that on their own first.

After Mathias' eyeballs twanged the first time that Kashmira giggled, he was entranced. Nothing that she did after that changed his opinion of her. Not her volatile nature; not her lack of social skills; not even when she had sex with classmates in her bedroom. The fact that her father was a crime boss? Not a problem. His habit of murdering other crime bosses? Not that either. Even when Kashmira announced publicly that she was a prostitute, that only attracted Mathias to her more. Even when her father offered a reward for her death, Mathias supported her. When she ended up in a wheelchair with serious health issues, Mathias was there for her.Doc and Granny tried to help Kashmira get better. They learned why her health was so bad and both tried to help her recover from her life in her father's fortress house. Doc was making progress, but after she forced her father to abandon his fortress, Kashmira went downhill fast. She didn't remember how her father had received justice nor did she remember sitting in a wheel chair with moccasins protecting her feet. Hence the significance of the title.In other parts of the book: You'll remember Bean, the assassin from the previous novel. In spite of her best intentions to erase her past and become a new woman, two secret agents imprisoned her without telling her why. These agents, Dingle and Dangle, didn't exactly operate in a legal fashion. Yolanda took up Bean's cause and tried to serve as her lawyer. That was difficult to do because the judge had decided before the trial to sentence her to prison. Yolanda ended up in that prison too, but that was because of her skin color.

Warnings to live by: #1. Never invade a planet that has two farmers named Thunder and Lightning. You'll get a quick death by arrow or a slow agonizing death of thirst. #2. Never lie to a frustrated tourist that you will keep her safe. She may have a deadly finger. #3: Never antagonize a chunky girl that can read your mind. She may know how to turn you into a disgusting-looking zombie.

You'll recall that Scandinavia considered itself at war with the Wilizy, so you may wonder why the Wilizy agreed to send a delegation to a symposium in Stockholm after they figured Prince Wilhelm's invitation was a lure. When they found themselves living in a big house in a desolate forest, they knew what was coming. Hypodermic needles of sleepy time juice and operation Matching Panties took care of everything.A month later, Maddy and Liset's two wolves saved them from Scandinavia's attempt to kidnap them. This prompted the Wilizy to move the war to Scandinavia. But it would not be a typical war. Winnie's idea would make sure of that.Bob the Invisible Dragon became a hungry Scandinavian dragon who roamed the skies looking for tasty citizens that he could haul back to his lair and supposedly eat. Nobody knew that he wore oven mitts on his talons so that nobody would get hurt. However, the fear that Bob generated prompted Wilhelm to join forces with a powerful ally that 10 year old Winnie had invented. She got the idea from a 1960's TV show, wrote a script and directed a dramatic production starring Nary, Marie, TG, Stu, and Melissa. They even had realistic costumes and weapons.

Readers will meet these characters: Pimple-Dimple, (a teenage tyrant), Tisket & Tasket (two inept leaders), Nose-bacca (a clumsy sentient elephant), Cockroach and the Zombies (not a rock band), and the Four Humpty-Dumpties. Winnie and Justice ran an operation in Hickory and Dickory that they'd like to forget, but Maddy had more success against an adult bully with her smoking hot fastball.

Wilizy operations always had a degree of uncertainty. Sometimes, a random event could mean a wonderful plan had to be adjusted. Sometimes, an ally acted in an unexpected manner. Sometimes, an enemy struck without warning. Sometimes, the Wilizy just got lucky and an impossible operation became possible. You'll find all of these in the thirteenth Wilizy book.In the book's main plot, the Wilizy found the home base of the Safe Haven slave owners and searched for a way to bring them to justice. Their attempt to penetrate the defenses of Safe Haven's home base in Switzerland didn't have a ghost of a chance until... well, until the Wilizy joined forces with a ghost. The plan to rescue the slaves imprisoned inside was perfect; and then somebody ignored the plan. Ooops.My favorite part of Second Base featured Bean. She met the sheriff of Helena Montana, a man who spouted terrible country witticisms like this: "Well, hitch my butt up to a pair of ponies and call me a stage coach." At first, she considered him a buffoon, but he grew on her. He was attracted to her as well but they decided to go their separate ways. And then, he was dying on a deserted Montana prairie. The Wilizy would have helped him if they had known, but they were busy fending off an attack on their base camp.