Jaine Austen Mystery

Smarmy personals ads. Daring declarations of love. Freelance writer Jaine Austen has penned them all. But no one needs her help more than geeky, gawky Howard Murdoch. His request is simple enough: a letter proclaiming his undying love for Stacy Lawrence, a gorgeous aerobics instructor. The fact that he's never actually met the woman gives Jaine pause-yet she soon overcomes her misgivings, and the unlikely Romeo lands a date! But his triumph is short-lived. On Valentine's Day, Howard finds Stacy bludgeoned to death with a Thigh Master-and is quickly named the prime suspect. Jaine is shocked. Sure, Howard's awkward and eccentric. But a murderer? That's hard to believe. Especially after a little sleuthing reveals a plethora of people who harbored less-than-loving feelings towards the svelte Stacy. Now Jaine had better wrangle her clues quickly, before a crafty killer catches on-and puts a whole new spin on her ghost writing career...

Jaine still hasn't found a good man - or a way to keep all those sugary snacks from going straight to her hips. But - with a little help from her best friend Kandi - she's finally landed a gig as a sitcom writer! True, Muffy 'n Me (aka "Bewitched with Tits") isn't going to win any Emmys. And her office at Miracle Studios needs a little sprucing up, and a few dozen rat traps. But it sure beats writing boring brochures and bad resumes, so Jaine's not complaining. Until the plot thickens - with murder... Jaine figures the trouble all started when Muffy 'n Me's hottest star, gorgeous Quinn Kirkland, seduced the head writer - whose husband also works on the show. But when Quinn's caught in bed with the barely-legal actress who plays his niece, things really heat up - and his many jealous girlfriends start to figure things out... So when the no-good heartthrob drops dead after nibbling a poisoned doughnut, Jaine isn't terribly surprised. But who could have done it? A competitive costar and a couple of scorned lovers top Jaine's list of suspects, but the police have zeroed in on her man-crazy pal Kandi. She fell hard for Quinn - and nearly fell apart when she learned of all his other women. Now Jaine has to figure out who finally stopped Quinn's cheatin' heart - before her best friend ends up behind bars...

A gal with a serious Ben & Jerry's habit can't afford to be too picky about employment opportunities. So when Beverly Hills socialite SueEllen Kingsley offers freelance writer Jaine Austen megabucks to ghostwrite a book of hostess tips, it's time to sharpen the #2s. But everything short circuits when Jaine finds SueEllen floating face down in her tub, fried by her own blow dryer. The primary suspect: Heidi, SueEllen's stepdaughter, whose account of a mysterious blonde fleeing the scene is greeted with skepticism by Beverly Hills' finest. Peroxided suspects abound, including a very private masseuse, a jealous nurse, a former game show hostess... even a closet blonde with a surprising secret. One of them is hiding a murderous heart behind pricey highlights, and Jaine's out to expose the killer's dark roots. Because blondes have enough fun without getting away with murder...

If clothes make the man, then what do Jaine Austen's elastic-waist pants and T-shirts make her? A fashion nightmare, according to her neighbor, Lance. She doesn't expect Lance-who works in the designer shoe department at Nieman Marcus-to understand... which is how she ends up visiting his favorite boutique, Passions. While the couture is definitely not for Jaine, the staff's gossip is. Tiny orange-haired clerk Becky starts complaining about her coworker Giselle-AKA "Frenchie"- a brittle blonde who, when she's not making fun of customers behind their backs, adds extra-marital notches to her Chanel belt. Though Jaine doesn't land a new look, she does land a new job when Passions' owner gives her a chance to write their new magazine ads. But when Jaine arrives the next morning to pitch her ideas, she finds Frenchie pitched over, stabbed in the neck by one of her own stilettos. Now all Jaine has to do is figure out who hated Frenchie the most, in a case of death by designer knock-off...

On the frontlines of the battle of the bulge, otherwise known as trying on bathing suits in the communal dressing room at Loehmann's, freelance writer Jaine Austen makes a new friend - a wannabe actress named Pam - and gets a new job: sprucing up Pam's bare-bones resume. Their feeling of connection is mutual, so Pam invites Jaine to join The PMS Club - a women's support group that meets once a week over guacamole and margaritas. But joining the club proves to be more a curse than a blessing for Jaine. Though she is warned that Rochelle, the hostess, makes a guacamole to die for, Jaine never takes the warning literally. Until another PMS member, Marybeth, drops dead over a mouthful of the green stuff. Now instead of dishing dirt with The PMS Club, Jaine has to dig up the dirt on the surviving members...

Freelance writer Jaine Austen has never been able to resist the siren call of an Eskimo Pie, just like she can't resist renewing her romance with Andrew, an old crush. With her bank account hitting new lows, she's also just agreed to write jokes for Dorcas, a stand-up comic who throws her pantyhose into the audience as a punch line. Not only is Dorcas's act a bomb, she is heckled by Vic, a gorgeous fellow comic. Naturally, when Vic is murdered with Dorcas's pantyhose and that same Dorcas is standing over his dead body, the police arrest... Dorcas. They figure it's an open-and-shut case, although Jaine figures no killer can be that dumb. But when Jaine sets out to find the real culprit, she is distracted by one dating disaster after another with Andrew - and she may not see the dark side of comedy until she faces the business end of a gun and a cold, deadly grin...

When writer-for-hire Jaine Austen signs on to script vows for the ultimate Bridezilla, "I do's" soon become "I wish I hadn't's" - and curtains for the bride spell a veil of woes for Jaine... Jaine's accepted her share of lame gigs to pay the bills, but rewriting Shakespeare's got to be an all-time low. The fiasco begins with a call from Jaine's high-school nemesis, uber-rich uber-witch Patti Devane. It seems Patti will soon be sashaying down the aisle with another former classmate from Hermosa High, and she'd like the exchange of vows to evoke Romeo and Juliet... except without the "downer" of an ending. Even worse than the assignment itself, is dealing with Patti as a client. At least Jaine's not alone, as nobody can stand the demanding, spoiled, and incredibly rude Bridezilla from Hell. Patti's managed to rack up an amazingly long list of enemies in a short time, not the least of whom include her prospective mother-in-law, the soon-to-be ex-wife of Patti's stolen soon-to-be groom, and just about everyone involved in the wedding preparations. So it isn't a complete surprise when the erstwhile Juliet plunges to her death during her balcony scene.

Wordsmith Jaine Austen's ship has finally come in. Her new teaching gig on a fancy cruise line nabs her a free vacation - and access to a twenty-four-hour buffet! But sooner than you can say "bon voyage," Jaine's all-expenses-paid trip to the Mexican Riviera seems destined to be a wreck... Things are already off to a rocky start when Jaine discovers a stowaway amidst her luggage - her persnickety cat Prozac. Jaine's sinking sensation grows stronger at dinner, where she meets chatty Emily Pritchard, a wealthy seventy year old who's traveling with her two nephews. Jaine can't help noticing the tension among them, especially when the cruise's charming - and sleazy - British dancer, Graham, whisks Emily out onto the dance floor. Soon Emily is accepting Graham's invitations to every social event on the ship. Two nights later, the bubbly couple announces their engagement, but the news is quickly overshadowed the next morning by the discovery of Graham's body with an ice pick protruding from his chest... Between hiding a furry fugitive, flirting with Emily's nephew Robbie, and baiting the hook for a clever murderer, Jaine is about to dive into her most dangerous case yet...

Without a job or a date in sight, freelance writer Jaine Austen is equally out of luck in finance and romance. So when her friend Lance offers to treat her to brunch at the Four Seasons, Jaine leaps at the invite. They've barely made it through the menu when Lance spots his friend Bunny, who is the new trophy wife of mattress maven Marvin Cooper. When Bunny generously offers Jaine a gig writing Marv's new advertising campaign, Jaine accepts the job, and an invitation to her upcoming soiree. But at the party Bunny cruelly rules the Cooper mansion and before the evening is over, someone poisons Bunny. The police arrest Lance, but Jaine knows his murderous urges end at her closet door. Setting out to clear his name, she soon discovers a list of suspects longer than Bunny's credit card bill . . .

When freelance writer Jaine Austen is surprised with an über-luxe spa getaway, she and her feline pal Prozac are eager to hit the road and bask in a week of pampering and pedicures. But what she gets is a California fat farm in disguise, complete with celery-juice cocktails, humiliating weigh-ins, and a zero-tolerance position on carbs. Among her bulge-battling companions is Mallory Francis, a B-list movie star with a knack for making frenemies. When she's found strangled during a seaweed wrap gone awry, Jaine is hard-pressed to think of anyone who couldn't have done it. While the suspects mount faster than her hunger pangs, Jaine's search for truth, justice and contraband calories leads her straight to a cold-blooded killer-where murder may be on the menu once again . . .

When Jaine Austen's beloved cat Prozac unwittingly scares to death a parakeet belonging to the neighborhood's resident curmudgeon, Jaine finds herself knee-deep in toil and trouble. The cantankerous Hollywood has-been once played Cryptessa Muldoon, television's fourth most famous monster mom. Now she spends her days making enemies with everyone on the block. So when the ornery D-lister is murdered with her own Do Not Trespass sign on Halloween night, the neighborhood fills with relief-and possible culprits. With a killer on the loose, Jaine hardly has time to fall under the spell of her yummy new neighbor, Peter. As the prime suspect, she summons her sleuthing skills to clear her name and soon discovers that everyone has a few skeletons in their closets . . .

Love is in the air as freelance writer Jaine Austen begins a new job at the Dates of Joy matchmaking service . . . When Jaine lands a job writing web copy and brochures for matchmaker Joy Amoroso, she's excited for a chance to help the lovelorn-until she realizes Joy is a ruthless taskmaster who screams at her employees for the smallest infractions, pads her website with pictures of professional models posing as clients, and offers up convincing but empty promises of love. So it's no surprise when the chiseling cupid turns up dead at a Valentine's Day mixer. Now, finding the culprit may prove harder than spotting that elusive caramel praline in a box of chocolates . . .

Jaine has been hired by uber-pushy stage mom Heather Van Sant to write lyrics for her daughter Taylor's song in the talent competition for the Miss Teen Queen America pageant. It's different from anything Jaine has done before, but if nothing else, she's looking forward to a free weekend in a swanky hotel and a chance to see what really goes on backstage at a beauty pageant. But the hotel is a dump, the cattiness is out of control, an Candace-the perfectly-coiffed, whip-cracking pageant director-is making even Jaine's life miserable. When Candace's assistant Amy is found bludgeoned to death with a silver tiara, there are more suspects than sequins on a pageant gown-and Heather is first on the list.

It seems Jaine's life couldn't get any better-until her cat Prozac is tapped to star in a Skinny Kitty commercial. But Jaine never would have guessed the world of cat food could be quite so catty. Jaine is nervous that Prozac won't be able to take direction, but the finicky furball ditches her diva behavior for the camera, eating and napping on cue like a seasoned pro. But just as Jaine begins dreaming of fame and fortune, Skinny Kitty's inventor drops dead on the set. Everyone is a suspect-including Jaine. And she'll have to get her paws on the truth before the killer takes a swipe at another victim.

Since she started penning dialogue for Some Day My Prince Will Come - a cheesy dating show that features bachelorettes competing for the heart of Spencer Dalworth VII, a very distant heir to the British throne - Jaine's life has been a royal pain: she's been fending off golf-ball-sized bugs on the sweltering tropical island and having her patience tested by an irritable production crew and the fierce contestants who will do anything to get their prince. But Jaine never expected murder to enter the script. When one of the finalists dies in a freak accident, it's clear someone wanted the woman out of the race for good-and the police won't allow a soul off the island until they seize the culprit. Terrified of existing another day without air conditioning, Jaine is throwing herself into the investigation. But she better pounce on clues quickly-or there won't be any survivors left...

Scotty Parker is a former child star who once played Tiny Tim, but now he's grown up into the role of the neighborhood Scrooge. He cuts the wires on his neighbors' Christmas lights and tells local kids that Santa had a stroke. And his miserly bah-humbug attitude lasts year-round – a fact known all too well by his current wife, his ex-wife, his maid, and many more. Scotty thinks he can stage a comeback with the screenplay he's working on (The Return of Tiny Tim: Vengeance Is Mine!), and Jaine's been reluctantly helping him edit it. So when Scotty is bludgeoned with a frozen chocolate yule log and the police start making a list of suspects and checking it twice, Jaine's name is unfortunately included. True, she's been under some stress – with Lance trying to set her up on dates and her fickle feline taking a sudden liking to someone else – but she's not guilty of murder. Now she just has to prove it – using her gift for detection to figure out who committed this holiday homicide.

After a dry spell, freelance writer Jaine Austen's life is suddenly full of romance. For one thing, she's reconnected with her ex-though her cat, Prozac, isn't happy about it. And Jaine's also got a new ghostwriting gig, working on a steamy novel called Fifty Shades of Turquoise . . . Daisy Kincaid is in her sixties and heiress to a fortune. Now she wants to make a name for herself as a romance author . . . with a little help from Jaine, that is. As Jaine labors away on love scenes, she gets to know the wealthy woman's gentleman friend, her household staff, and her social circle-every one of whom is horrified when Daisy falls under the spell of a much younger stud named Tommy, a rude, crude lothario who's made himself a fixture in Daisy's Bel Air mansion. After Tommy and Daisy shock everyone by announcing their engagement, it doesn't take long for someone to stab him in the neck-with the solid gold Swiss Army knife that Daisy gave him as a gift. The challenging part is trying to narrow down the list of suspects. Jaine's going to have to put a bookmark in that love story and focus all her creative talent into untangling a tale of money and murder . . .