Ice Dog Movie Guide

Exploding heads. A bunch of pygmies in blackface firing arrows at a herd of rampaging elephants. The devil's helpers innocuously serving up choccy mousse. Geriatric commandos. A pickaxe being driven through a tattooed female chest. Malcolm McDowell in swastika-adorned underpants. Malcolm McDowell raping a bride. Malcolm McDowell clapping with glee as heads are sliced off. Gee, Malc, have a day off, you madman.I think by now you have a fair idea of what you're gonna get in this seemingly never-ending, Molly Ringwald-free movie guide. Perhaps like me, you can't take those PC-saturated atrocities that today's cinema too often inflicts upon us. Instead you seek refuge in the last century in which (at the very least) you can count on Malcolm McDowell going batshit crazy.Admit it, damn you. And maybe even revel in it. And then I'll know I'm not alone.

I have of late, wherefore I know not, lost all of my mirth…Man delights not me; no, nor women neither. In my dreams (and increasingly during my more whimsical waking moments) I wander through Movieland. Sometimes I chat to Kelly McGillis about being in a 4G inverted dive with a MiG-28 while a strung-out Withnail stands close by complaining about going on holiday by mistake. At others a xenomorph near the bus stop rips off Forrest Gump's head before being machine-gunned by the ED-209. I close my eyes, take a contented breath, and reopen them to see Frau Blücher upsetting the horses again as Tony Montana snorts coke and tells the permanently agitated Don Logan that this town is like one giant pussy waiting to get fucked. I wander and I wander and I never want to leave… Some movies, you see, contain magic. Magic that seeps into your soul and becomes a part of you. I mean, why waste your time travelling the world, having a career, nurturing dreams or taking a woman seriously? Such pursuits involve a great deal of effort and invariably end in disappointment. Surely it's better to stay invisible at home while exploring a rich cinematic odyssey alongside the likes of Marty McFly, Jessica 6, the Black Knight, Bill Kilgore and a Stepford wife or two? Come now. Partake in the madness. Let me hold your hand and lead you nowhere.

A bawdy, politically incorrect and scattershot guide focusing on movies from the last half of the 20th century.Dave Franklin has also written ten novels.