Adrian Mole

Perhaps when I am famous and my diary is discovered, people will understand the torment of being a 13¾-year-old undiscovered intellectual. Adrian Mole is approaching fourteen, and like all radical intellectuals he must amass his grievances: His acne vulgaris is grotesque; his crush, Pandora, received seventeen Valentine's Day cards; his PE teacher is a sadist; he fears his parents' marriage is over since they no longer smoke together; his dog has gone AWOL; no one appreciates his poetry; and Animal Farm has set him off pork for good. If everyone were as appalled as Adrian Mole, it would be a better world.

I can't wait until I am fully mature and can make urban conversation with intellectuals. Growing up among inferiors in Great Britain isn't easy for a sensitive fifteen-year-old "poet of the Midlands" like Adrian Mole, considering everything in the world is conspiring to scar him for life: His hormones are in a maelstrom; his mother is pregnant (at her age!); his girlfriend, Pandora, is in shutdown; radio stardom isn't panning out; he's become allergic to non-precious metals; and passing his exams is as dire a crisis as the Falkland Islands. From weathering a profound but shaky romance with the love of his life to negotiating his parents' reconciliation to writing his poetry on restroom walls (why on earth did he sign his name?).

Send my diaries back. I would hate them to fall into unfriendly, possibly commercial hands. I am afraid of blackmail; as you know my diaries are full of sex and scandal. What's happening to Adrian Mole? He's on the cusp of adulthood and burgeoning success as a published poet. But . . . he still lives at home, refuses to part with his threadbare stuffed rabbit, and has lost his job at the library for a shocking act of impudence: He shelved Jane Austen under "light romance." Even worse, someone named Sue Townsend stole his diaries and published them under her own name. Of course they were bestsellers.

Can an adult still have a secret diary? Everyone's favorite angsty adolescent Brit is now a tormented twentysomething. Question: What have I done with my life? Answer: Nothing. At 23¾ years old, Adrian Mole is now an adult and almost prepared. On the upside: He's fallen for a perfectly lovely Nigerian waitress; he's seeing a therapist so as to talk about himself without interruption; and he's added vowels to his experimental novel-in-progress (so much more accessible to the masses!). The downside? Pandora is probably history; a pea-brained rival has been published before him to great acclaim; and worse, Adrian realizes he may not be uncommon after all. In fact, he may fall somewhere within the range of normalcy. How can an intellectual be expected to live with that?

I expect that by tomorrow I will have embellished the story and given myself a heroic status I do not deserve . . . Right now the truth is harrowing enough for aging, impotent intellectual Adrian Mole: He's soon to be divorced; he hasn't a clue what to do with his semi-stardom as a celebrity chef; his parents have become swingers (with whom is too shocking to go into now); his epic novel is still unpublished; his ex-flame Pandora is running for political office; and his younger sister has rebelled in the most distressingly common ways. But there's one upside: Adrian's son has inherited his mother's unblemished skin. Is it any wonder that at 34¾ Adrian is still punishingly self-aware and willfully deluded about what he's endured and what he's yet to achieve? Struggling somewhere between breakthrough and breakdown, he's telling his diary everything. The result? Adrian's fifth Book of Revelation.

Though Adrian has finally found the courage to confront her, the literary parasite refuses to put down her Stolichnaya and come to the door. Now a professional turkey-plucker with his dreams of becoming a serious novelist more elusive than ever, and his teenage passions for Pandora all but faded, Adrian Mole has settled with his new wife in a rural pigsty that's spitting distance from his appalling mother and her (fourth, is it?) husband. There are two consolations: He has a son who fears gym class (poor little bird legs!), and he's readying his serial-killer comedy for production. But really, there's little about the twenty-first century that makes Adrian feel secure. Adrian Mole's continuing chronicle of angst has sold more than twenty million copies worldwide, and been adapted for television and staged as a musical.

Am I turning into one of those middle-aged men who think the country has gone to the dogs and that there has been no decent music since Abba? Hard to believe! Adrian Mole is pushing forty, a beleaguered bookseller looking back through the wistful eyes of an unrecognized intellectual and, admittedly, pretty much of an Everyman. But he's also looking forward, despite a few things: His five-year-old daughter is showing alarming Stalinist traits; his son is fighting the Taliban and he's worried sick; his unfaithful wife is keeping a diary of her own and it's all rather heartbreaking; frequent urination has made him fear trouble "down there;" and his mother is penning a misery memoir that is one gross slog of a lie (born an aristocrat in a Norfolk potato field, indeed!). Then one day he receives a phone call out of the blue from the great and only love his life: Pandora Braithwaite. "Do you think of me?" she asks. Only ever since he was 13¾ . . . Adrian Mole's epic and hilarious chronicle of angst over a quarter century has sold more than twenty million copies worldwide, and been adapted for television and staged as a musical.

The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Aged 13and ¾: Adrian Mole must amass his grievances-his acne vulgaris is grotesque; his crush, Pandora, has received seventeen Valentine's Day cards (seventeen!); his PE teacher is a sadist; he fears his parents' marriage is over since they no longer smoke together; his dog has gone AWOL; no one appreciates his poetry; and Animal Farm has set him off pork for good. If everyone were as appalled as Adrian Mole, it would be a better world. The Growing Pains of Adrian Mole: Growing up among inferiors in Great Britain isn't easy for a sensitive "poet of the Midlands" like Adrian, considering everything in the world is conspiring to scar him for life-his hormones are in a maelstrom; his mother is pregnant (at her age!); his girlfriend is in shut down; and he's become allergic to non-precious metals.

The True Confessions of Adrian Albert Mole: What's happening to Adrian Mole? On the one hand, he's entering the cusp of adulthood and burgeoning success as a published poet. On the other, he still lives at home, refuses to part with his threadbare stuffed rabbit, and has lost his job at the library for a shocking act of impudence: He shelved Jane Austen under Light Romance. Even worse, someone named Sue Townsend stole his diaries and published them under her own name. Of course they were bestsellers. Adrian Mole: The Wilderness Years: At 23¾ years old, Adrian is now technically an adult and almost prepared. On the upside: He's fallen for a perfectly lovely Nigerian waitress; he's seeing a therapist so as to talk about himself without interruption; and he's added vowels to his experimental novel-in-progress (so much more accessible to the masses!). The downside? Pandora is probably history; a pea-brained rival has been published before him to great acclaim; and worse-Adrian has come to the devastating realization that he may not be uncommon after all. Adrian Mole: The Cappuccino Years: At 34¾, impotent intellectual Adrian Mole is soon to be divorced; he hasn't a clue what to do with his semi-stardom as a celebrity chef; his parents have become swingers (with whom is too shocking to go into now); his epic novel is still unpublished; his ex-flame Pandora is running for political office; and his younger sister has rebelled in the most distressingly common ways. There is one upside: Adrian's son has inherited his mother's unblemished skin.