Johnny Two Kebabs

Who Is Johnny Two Kebabs? There has been much speculation in recent years as to whether Johnny Two Kebabs really exists. Is it true that on 15th June 2011 after drinking 13 pints of lager he polished off two doner kebabs in 1 minute 59 seconds? Is Johnny Two Kebabs just an urban legend? Is the song that was written about him and for which the video appears on the internet just in the tradition of Irish blarney and storytelling? Is it a type of Celtic mythology about larger than life figures? Were the comics which mysteriously appeared on the Internet in 2020 just fake news? Now, at last, in his own words, Johnny Two Kebabs comes clean and in this volume he recounts how he foiled a Russian assassination in the UK. Johnny writes candidly about his experiences in the high stakes world of international intrigue and international seduction. He pulls no punches in his exposé of London's dark underworld with its assassins, Irish pubs, kebab shops and cans of super-strength lager or as Johnny calls it "The golden nectar that makes life worth living".

In this second volume of his memoirs, Johnny describes how he infiltrated a dangerous gang of "activists" and thwarted a plot to carry out a series of attacks in the U.K. We also learn more about Johnny Two Kebabs "the man" as opposed to just the public figure. We gain more insight into Johnny's "inner journey" as well his "outer journey" when he describes his experience of partaking of "The Kebab Of Truth." Johnny reveals more of his true self in this volume and he invites you to join him in eating of "The Kebab Of Truth."

This third instalment is arguably the most important volume of Johnny's memoirs as it firmly establishes him as one of the great 'thinkers' of modern times. Johnny shares with us some of his insights into the criminal mind and what drives him in his crusade against evil. The art of boxing, political ideology and gender fluidity all play a part in this latest fascinating chapter of Johnny's experience. In these pages we get closer to understanding Johnny's "philosophy of life" through the examination of modern day issues such as "diversity and inclusion."

An Extraordinary Event: On 15th June 2011, an extraordinary event took place in Brixton, south London. An Irishman ingested two doner kebabs in 1 minute 59 seconds after already having consumed 13 pints of lager. Now, for the first time, the true story of the events leading up to this feat is recounted by the protagonist, "Johnny Two Kebabs." In this "prequel" he relates the truth about his exploits and how he became London's "conscious vigilante." This is the story of Johnny Two Kebabs.

It is a fact that the average male bladder can hold approximately a pint of liquid. This quantity is somewhat greater in an Irishman. The bladder of a healthy Irishman can generally hold at least 750ml or nearly one and a half pints. However, there are exceptions to every rule and every so often a male with a much larger capacity than normal appears and with a bit of training and determination his bladder can, in fact, accomodate an amount significantly greater than the average. In the case of Johnny Two Kebabs it is well known that before having to relieve himself he has, on occasion, imbided up to four pints of lager. In this fifth instalment of Johnny's memoirs he relates how his "enhanced bladder capacity" helped prevent a terrorist attack by the Cornish separatist group the C.N.L.O.

Is it Stalin's Soviet Union? Pol Pot's Cambodia? Kim Jong Il's North Korea? Incredibly, it's twenty-first-century London. In a monstrous twist of fate, Johnny has been targeted by the local council, who believe that he no longer has the right to claim unemployment benefits unless he can "provide proof of actively searching for gainful employment." However, this is merely the beginning of the misfortunes that befall Johnny. Not only is his best friend murdered, but he also has to contemplate the real possibility of full-time employment. In a desperate race against time to prevent his unemployment benefits from being cut off, Johnny becomes instrumental in helping to purge London's Metropolitan Police of the corruption rife within its ranks.

This is the trilogy of three of the instalments of the memoirs of Johnny Two Kebabs 1. From Russia With Chilli And Garlic Sauce 2. How I Found The G Spot 3. The Mixed Doner Murders In these pages, Johnny reveals the truth not only about how he thwarted a Russian assassination and a series of bombings in the UK but also how he solved the infamous 'Mixed Doner Murders' case. We learn how Johnny operates behind the scenes in his fight against evil on the mean streets of south London and also about his 'philosophy' and the 'ethical' code which as a 'conscious vigilante' he subscribes to.