Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels

Reality is breaking, verse is to blame, and Oscar Teabag-Dooven is absolutely the wrong cat to fix it. Oscar never meant to get tangled in a plot involving forbidden vaults, exploding cafés and an ex-poet turned reality-warping megalomaniac. But here he is, paws-deep in syllables and sabotage, trying to stop a transformation that could obliterate everything. Joined by Tabby Miss Cakes, an insane librarian who punches everyone in the face, they become the most unlikely duo to save reality. As powerful poets conspire to re-scribe the world itself, they're the only hope against a conspiracy that threatens to plunge civilization into an Armageddon that makes Bedlam of the second Dooven book look like a good way to cook eggs. Hilariously deadpan, wildly inventive and threaded with unexpected poignancy, When Fear Is Not Afraid launches the Velvet Paw of Asquith's Morigan Tetralogy with flair, fire and masses of confusion. Welcome back to the New Fable fiction genre, where fluffy just got even dangerouser. "Finally, a reason to remain illiterate. Much like the author, I suspect." - Damian Smith-Meyers, Accountant, Billiot Financial. "What's the difference between Corfield and Byron? Pretty much everything." - Simon Davidson, Byronian Scholar. "Corfield is a dreamer of everything and a master of nothing." - Phillip P. Burgess, Professor of Anatomy, UAMS.

The city of Liebe is gone and Oscar presumed dead. With Tabby Miss Cakes adrift in a crumbling realm of myth and memory, she is not sure what's real anymore-or if anything ever was. When Oscar reappears, inexplicably alive, the two stumble into a bizarrely wholesome world where animals sand horses, kindness is weaponised and no one seems to notice the sky is falling. That's because a poet is eating reality. The Ar'dath-Irr, a lunatic bard of monstrous power, is enslaving writers to pen a reality-warping Creed. His disciples are many. His Muse is now airborne and terrifying. And Oscar? He's caught in the middle-again. Teaming up with Jeffemeries, an exploding-bun enthusiast, Oscar and Tabby must navigate a surreal landscape filled with monstrous beasts, curried pumpkins, spoon-waving cultists and a clinically confused populace. But as lies unravel, their friendship-and whatever hope remains-is ravaged by an oncoming tsunami of madness. Part fever dream, part odyssey, part philosophical slapstick, With Eyes No Longer Blind is a journey into utter absurdity and clinical insanity. Book 2 of the Morigan Tetralogy. It's poetic, deadly and Oscar is absolutely the wrong cat to star in it. "So many misprints, it's like an entirely new language." - Sampson Braithwaithe. "120,000 poorly chosen words." - Rashud Inplala, Social Commentator. "These books set the standard for having none." - Errica Brown-Bowen, Self Opinionator.

Oscar Teabag-Dooven, former Velvet Paw of Asquith and occasional poet, is ready to leave the chaos behind. Having faced tendony beasts, collapsing palaces, poetic terrorists and exploding pastries, he'd much prefer foccussing on the opening night of his theatrical debut. Unfortunately, the world has other ideas. With monstrous, skinless creatures tearing across kingdoms and the sinister Ar'dath-Irr wielding dark magic like its going out of fashion, Oscar is again hailed as the hero that entire planets need. But he's not interested. He's tired, jaded and more invested in rhyming couplets than strategic warfare. But when your verse is bad enough to incite mass genocide, and rage is the only thing standing between innocence and annihilation, you work with what you've got. While Tabby Miss Cakes and a cast of hundreds turns a peaceful world into a stage for extreme violence and loathing, Oscar prepares to debut his masterpiece. Too bad the Ar'dath-Irr arrives first-and he's brought the end of everything with him. Book 3 of the Morigan Tetralogy: Where poetry is peril, fluff is fatal, and the show must definately not go on. To Blunt The Sharpest Claw is a battle cry for the disillusioned, a laugh-out-loud tale of misfired destiny and a reminder that sometimes the sharpest weapons are words, partiulcarly when containing pointy letters. "This much rubbish from only 26 letters?" - Gavin and Stephen Rye, Inflammatory Garbage Collectors. "Corfield blurs the boundary between rubbish and garbage, and does justice to neither." - Aiden White, Barrington Points Lighthouse Keeper. "Judging by their stupidity, these books are clearly written from experience." - Christian Lauder, Aspiring Capricorn.

The villain's a poet, the weapon is verse, and the whole world's a stage. The Ar'dath-Irr's final act is nearly complete - and the applause will be apocalyptic. Oscar Teabag-Dooven, once a Velvet Paw, is all that stands between a fractured universe and total obliteration. But Oscar wanted to be a poet, not a hero, not a destroyer, and certainly not the most loathed animal on the planet. After his avant-garde recital triggers mass death, suspicious reincarnations and catastrophic misunderstandings involving curry, he's the only one left to blame. With his reputation in ruins and a war effort rising, Oscar and a huge cast must navigate a broken world filled with inverted corpses, bureaucratic panic, and a vengeful poet-dog whose power defies life itself. Revenge seems like the only reasonable response - but in a world where hugs are abolished and poetry causes mass casualties, reason is a dangerous thing. Joined by armies and navies orchestrated under Operation Fluffy Cloud, Oscar must confront his greatest fear: that this entire war might just be about him. This is the climax of the Morigan Tetralogy: where poetry bends worlds, villains wear metaphors, and the end of everything smells faintly of cinnamon and petrol. This is it. No rewrites. No edits. Just the end of the world. "Highly likely they take longer to read than they do to write." - Gary, Freelance Impregnator. "While reading this I was transported elsewhere, although I was on a bus at the time." - Karen Dubonis, Breeder. "I am literally lost for words. But not nearly as lost as the author." - Stamford Black, Designer.

Consider a world inhabited with only cats and dogs: a society recognizable as our own, but with its eccentricities being the norm, rather than the exception. A world where the charm of Kenneth Grahame's Wind In the Willows meets the exotic world of Ian Fleming's Bond. A world where fluffy just got dangerous. These are the Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels, also known as the Dooven Books: welcome to the genre of New Fable."Attempting to eradicate an entire city's council before hurling oneself off a cliff is odd behavior for anyone, let alone the daughter of a police chief. Nor is it helped by a determination to graffiti mis-spelt words with appalling grammar in her own manure.Politely, Oscar pointed this out to her.So she punched him and pushed him off his stool."Oscar Teabag-Dooven is a highly trained secret agent who is convinced he's no more than a poet. Unable to do much more than rhyme one lot of words with another, his attempts at foiling the world's villains are, at best, tenuous.When assigned to determine the cause of brewing tensions in the exclusive seaside city of Ruen, he discovers it's on the brink of tearing itself apart. Things become complicated when it appears those responsible are in charge of running the place.Drawn into a scandalous plot of insanity and greed, Oscar befriends the Dervy, a young revolutionary, by throwing her off a cliff, and Horace, an elderly doctor with a phobia of worming ointments.Together they battle the ruthless genius of Sedervitz Tappen-Noo and the grievous insanity of the Pyjami, in an attempt to save a beautiful city from certain destruction.But things don't go according to plan. Principally because they don't have one. Thomas Corfield was born in London several years ago, definitely before last Thursday. This was a good year for all concerned, and for him in particular, because without it, later years would mean little. He owes a lot to that first year, and now lives because of it in undisclosed locations after having successfully absconded from probation. Although he finds making friends difficult, this is only because no one likes him. Including his mother, who didn't bother giving him a name until he was nine. His solicitor describes him as having an allergy to apostrophes and an aversion to punctuation that borders on pathological. This makes the popularity of his books all the more remarkable. At least it would if there was any. But there isn't. So it doesn't. He was recently interviewed in Joomag's Meals of Food magazine, which didn't help anyone. Cats ad dogs and high adventure and romance and espionage and food-fights and hotels and explosions and car chases.